what the hell are you waiting for?

i cant sleep.


i havent had this problem in about 3 months where i used to regularly stumble across it.

my life has taken an irregular turn.
working a medial job, having nothing to think about other than things that require no thought. worrying about things way to much. crying over things that have no need to be cried over.

is it all worth it?


when you dont have the time or money to speak to the few people in life you truly care/love and the ones who care/love you, is it time to ask if its really worth it?

this job, this trip, this oppurtunity seems to be sending me round the bend.

i constantly worry about how im doing in this job when i dont actually care.
i constantly worry that the money im earning for this trip wont be enough to get me out of frankfurt.
i get paranoid when the one im in love with doesnt message me back when i send pointless msgs full of silly words and pictures.
and i get scared at the thought that in a few months i wont see that love for a month an a half.

i think back to 2 months ago when my mind was so preoccupied with passing uni subjects, having haphazard lunchs and sexy breaks with the one i love to worry about those matters. ESPECIALLY not matter of the heart.

are these thoughts just filling my mind, an attempt to use my dormant imagination as my job requires no thought, no imagination?

why else would i analyse every advertisement that passes my eyes?
why else would i read articles about any new media that comes to my attention?

i miss learning and using my mind so desperately.

but that doesnt help ease my paranoia and my worry and my anxiety.
i dont want to be that girl who needs constant reassurance, constant reminders that everything IS ok.

previous mistakes and regrets that have long since passed have seemed to bubble up inside my mind. and stirred

what makes all of this worse is that i know none of my worries or anxieties are plausable. that they have mostly been fabricated in my own mind.
when the weekend comes, and other peoples lives slow to what mine seems to constantly be, i can be with my favourite people. snuggle in doonas and watch silly movies, giggling hysterically in that favourite nook of his arm. and every worry, anxity or paranoia fades. and as monday looms closer and sunday draws to a close i start to get that feeling again. and it is at that moment that i know that those anxieties i feel during the week are false.


so i just repeat to myself.
you are intelligent, you are beautiful, there will always be money, there will always be time.
and most of all: the love of your life? yours his too.



....or maybe its just pms?