in my heart

i hate feeling the sadness in your heart for someone else, you can't take it away until they do.
and then you never know if their's is trly gone.
:(

convergence schmulture

i'm sad.
because one of my classes makes you blog. for an assignment. in full academic styling. doesn't that uh...defeat the purpose of a blog, why not just get us to write a 2000 word essay.
i hate my lecturer. with a passion.

whats really irritating is i really like the subject content.


too bad he's a douchebag.





i do realise that i am bitching about blogging, on a blog.
it's not that i dont want to blog, but i would much rather rant then talk about Henry Jenkins and convergence culture




converge this.

we all gotta grow up sometime

im 19 and feel like im becoming responsible and mature.




i hate it.

3 years ago all i wanted was the be considered mature enough for this and responsible enough for that. now i just want to be stupid.
but no matter what, when i go out with my friends i find myself staring at them in disbelief at what they do.
but i used to do that. and im pretty sure i would be doing it, but im not
and all because of a damn broken collarbone.
which i got from falling off a bus, whilst drunk.
its the ultimate irony.
god is sitting on his cloud(yes i still think of god as one who sits on a cloud) laughing.
well har fucking har.

you know what this comes back to?
i have way too much time on my hands to think about these things.
having just came back from 2 months of european adentures that left no time to think i find myself, unemployed and unable to look for a job.
this both sucks and blows.

undies? belgium? its all good

i find it highly amusing that a man tried to sell belgium on ebay.

im think i will sell britney spears elusive underwear.
then she can have an excuse for not wearing them.


how i love the plasma screen tv in front of me desk at work.

you just gotta have faith!

i walked in on a discussion of religion taking place in the lunch room today. a woman in my department was saying that she will believe in religion when religion gives her some proof/evidence to believe in.
silly me chimed in that that just misses the point of religion, which is to have faith. Faith that there is a higher being, that it doesnt just stop with us, because isnt that just a depressing thought?

needless to say, she gave me the evil to end all evils.

it was at that point that i decided to leave with my coffee and monte carlo. However it made me think, why did this woman, who was the resident loudmouth, refuse to believe in something that had never provided what she deemed proof.

im sure she believes in something like say, self confidence. Self confidence is something that essentially exists without any tangible proof and is only something that exists when the person that holds it believes that they hold it.

so why do people fight religion, and fight the people who believe in it souly.
Extreme religion is just extreme faith.

worky times

work.
is there any more painful word in the human language.
my parents used to joke that i was allergic to work.
mainly housework.
i used to clean a deli all day. why would i want to come home and clean?
its not that im lazy. i would just like to live the australian dream of never working but being paid copious amounts to sit around and have bbqs etc.
....like a bogan.





i have now decided bogan is the most painful word in the human language

on that note.
i have to get back to work

what the hell are you waiting for?

i cant sleep.


i havent had this problem in about 3 months where i used to regularly stumble across it.

my life has taken an irregular turn.
working a medial job, having nothing to think about other than things that require no thought. worrying about things way to much. crying over things that have no need to be cried over.

is it all worth it?


when you dont have the time or money to speak to the few people in life you truly care/love and the ones who care/love you, is it time to ask if its really worth it?

this job, this trip, this oppurtunity seems to be sending me round the bend.

i constantly worry about how im doing in this job when i dont actually care.
i constantly worry that the money im earning for this trip wont be enough to get me out of frankfurt.
i get paranoid when the one im in love with doesnt message me back when i send pointless msgs full of silly words and pictures.
and i get scared at the thought that in a few months i wont see that love for a month an a half.

i think back to 2 months ago when my mind was so preoccupied with passing uni subjects, having haphazard lunchs and sexy breaks with the one i love to worry about those matters. ESPECIALLY not matter of the heart.

are these thoughts just filling my mind, an attempt to use my dormant imagination as my job requires no thought, no imagination?

why else would i analyse every advertisement that passes my eyes?
why else would i read articles about any new media that comes to my attention?

i miss learning and using my mind so desperately.

but that doesnt help ease my paranoia and my worry and my anxiety.
i dont want to be that girl who needs constant reassurance, constant reminders that everything IS ok.

previous mistakes and regrets that have long since passed have seemed to bubble up inside my mind. and stirred

what makes all of this worse is that i know none of my worries or anxieties are plausable. that they have mostly been fabricated in my own mind.
when the weekend comes, and other peoples lives slow to what mine seems to constantly be, i can be with my favourite people. snuggle in doonas and watch silly movies, giggling hysterically in that favourite nook of his arm. and every worry, anxity or paranoia fades. and as monday looms closer and sunday draws to a close i start to get that feeling again. and it is at that moment that i know that those anxieties i feel during the week are false.


so i just repeat to myself.
you are intelligent, you are beautiful, there will always be money, there will always be time.
and most of all: the love of your life? yours his too.



....or maybe its just pms?